Crafting the new self

Approaching the next major vertex of my life: the converging point between past, present, and future. In reality, this converging point is transient and moves wherever we do, but there’s something deeply meaningful about the oncoming passage through time. Though I may not have the right words or am running on partial inclinations not yet fully formed, I feel the call toward a rite, a ritual, an initiation into a power that has been welling and brewing within for what seems like this entire lifetime.

I’ve felt my skin become flaky as it calls my awareness onto seemingly eternal itches, but like a snake I sense that this is a cycle coming to pass. I’ve been aware of this imminent shapeshifting as my skin becomes too tight, too old for what has been growing underneath. There is a wilderness that calls me on both within and without, and as the wheel comes to turn once more I feel a primal ache to be reacquainted, reconnected with it. The realization that everything has happened for a reason has settled like the dust from those storms that had once obscured my vision. I have been sensing through the pores of my skin, feeling more like a snake, more animalistic every day. More called, more identified with the medicine of the earth, of animals, and of women. More feminine in my movement, thoughts, and words.

I sense there is a passageway ahead into the woman I will become, or to the woman I’ve always been but have forgotten. Like the dust had obscured my vision of reality, I have felt the harshness of a connection severed to my feminine power for so long, even when there weren’t words to describe the aching loss. The primordial wisdom I carry has always whispered, though at many times throughout my life was masked by the sound of wild winds. My clothes are coming off and I feel ready to run, dance into the river of life before me. The wilderness of the unknown doesn’t scare me. My feet are ready to walk on dusty earth near and far, and taste air richened by the fragrance of the land.

The journey thus far has been in preparation: clearing spaces, cutting through tall grasses and pulling out weeds. I have been preparing the land, applying medicines and casting spells to make it fertile for the seeds I planted in the optimism of springtimes past. Through such magic I sought to craft the new, next self. Until now I have been trying to develop a sense of trust that all is coming, and that I will go where I need to; that everything will work out. I feel that I am moving into a space of knowing, that trust will become more innate and automatic rather than something to be developed or learned.

I’ve always felt that I need to be harnessed, that my ideas need to be contained between lines, columns, and rows to be understood and valued. I’ve always thought that my productivity and worth must be derived from logic, balanced with some creative venture. But, I see visions of myself that are outside of all the boundaries I have imposed upon myself; the reality is that I’ve very rarely prescribed to doctrines and rules laid out by anybody but myself. The walls I built had to be demolished by myself, my own hands. In those visions, I am not constrained by rigidity, rather set free from it. I am not trying to think my way through the meditation any longer. I’m fully into my sensing mind, without the need to describe, understand, or quantify it because I am feeling it; it has become an engrained experience.

I see myself in the grand scheme of things, still so very young with much left to learn, yet still ravaged by experiences that have captured the essence of the old woman looking back fervently at a full, sometimes harsh life. Moving into this new time, I sense the future self carved of wisdom and power looking with reverence upon the past, while I feel the past self looking with confidence toward the rising sun. The vertex of time past and yet to come, this junction rests above the clouds beyond the tropic of Capricorn and other such dreamlike places. Of course, I know this space is neither above nor below, rather within. Without having any real idea as to the depths, I am certain of its vastness and diversity of life. I have been gathering bones, to sing upon them the hymns that will flesh them out and return them to life.

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